Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Beta #1

So, 14 days after a 5-day transfer of two lovely little frozen embryos, I am most definitely pregnant, based on a handful of home pregnancy tests and now my first betas. Anything over 100 would have been good for where I am in my cycle, and my number was... 2,602. Eek. My nurse asked me again how many embryos we had transferred, and my voice was distinctly high-pitched and a little panicked when I said two. Ryan is very happy with the possibility of twins, I'm happy with an asterisk, since I'm concerned about the health risks and how much more difficult that would make things on me and the babies during the pregnancy, and probably all of us after birth. So we'll see. I go back in for two more betas to measure my hcg levels (the "pregnancy hormone") over the next few days, and my first ultrasound is scheduled for 11/8, when I will hopefully be 6w3d.

After three years of trying to start our family, I would have thought I'd be more excited about finally being pregnant again, but instead, I mainly feel worry. Just lots of generalized worry. Probably because I've seen what can happen - a positive pregnancy test does not always lead to getting to take a baby home from the hospital. So far, this pregnancy is instead a mixture of excitement and cautious daydreams, tempered by the thought that we it took us three years, one missed miscarriage, one chemical pregnancy, two IUIs, one IVF, and one FET cycle to get to where we are today. So thoughts of my previous miscarriage are never far from my mind whenever I think how amazing it is that we get to have another shot at this, and even when I saw that second line on my first HPT last week, my immediate reaction was to burst into tears. All of this has led me to try to get my mindset in the right place, which I think I'm making progress with now. Instead of worrying about all the things that can go wrong, I need to remind myself that even if they do go wrong, I know we can get through it. It sucks, but we've done it before. But not only do I need to stop worrying, but I need to refocus that energy into enjoying this pregnancy for as long as I get to have it. I didn't realize how much I liked being pregnant the first time until it was taken away from me after weeks of complaining about every little twinge and ache. I think my biggest symptoms so far are just an increased appetite, more frequent peeing and crying (though not at the same time at least), and some pretty heavy duty bloating, most likely due to all the meds I'm still on. Only a week and a half left of the progesterone in oil and estrogen, though, so that's not that bad, although the shots are definitely not my favorite part of the day (especially now that we've run out of undamaged space on me, so we're having to do shots into welts and bruises). All in all, I'm almost amused by my symptoms so far - I cried because the changing leaves were so pretty! - and while the bloating isn't that comfortable, it just reminds me that there's some crazy stuff going on inside my body right now, and it will all be worth it if it results in a baby (or two).

So, in case you're curious, below is my first home pregnancy test at 5 days after a 5-day transfer of two embryos, and below that is at 12 days after a 5-day transfer. What a difference a week makes!

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